From the day we are born there are expectations over our life. The adults who love and care for us often dream about what we might be like and have aspirations of what our accomplishments and skills might be. There are many unpredictable factors that impact our development. For some, we are hyperaware of those expectations and shape ourselves, no matter the cost, to fit into that mold. Others might sit uncomfortably in a mold that does not fit. There are some that might break the mold to create their own with varying degrees of awareness they are doing so. No matter what category a person feels they might fit, when explored, there is often a sense of fear that has accompanied this fitting process- fear of not being perfect and the shame that comes with it. As children, adults in our lives are continually telling us to “do this, don’t do that.” We quickly learn what is expected of us. People have varying degrees of how much those expectations impact their actions and choices. Although the level of awareness will vary, we know that perfection is not reality, albeit we might try! What happens when it is not perfect? Are we able to tell ourselves we did your best and move on, or do self conscious thoughts and doubts linger with fear of disappointing others? I have an artist/designer friend who enjoys incorporating quirky humor into her pieces. One of them reads, “Don’t be embarrassed of who you are; that’s your parents’ job.” As humans, it matters to us what others think, most commonly being our parents, but that web spreads out to those we love, friends, and community. How will the things we say or do change how they see us or what they think? In a world where the volume of the montera “you do you” is quite loud, there is also a part of us that knows we do care what people think and those that love us want good for our lives. As a result, their opinion is weighted. So we ask for advice, we talk things through, but what we choose does not always align with those we love or those with a front row view of our life. How do we leave space for that? It is not uncommon when we are in misalignment for there to be avoidance or defensiveness. We might become angry and lash out when we feel shame or feel we are being shamed. This is self preservation, protecting ourselves from the vulnerability of expressing our shame or communicating the hurt from being shamed. What we might be less aware of, is that it also protects the other person from hearing that they hurt us. Especially if it is new to us or new to that specific relationship, it is difficult to muster up the courage to share our feelings of shame or to identify what felt to us as imposed shame. When we choose to step towards the other person with that vulnerability, it not only lets them know how we feel, but it can increase their understanding of us and awareness of what we need. It is vital for us to develop relationships in which we are both known and cared for in these ways.

We do shame others intentionally at times, but it can also be unintentional. This can happen when we are trying to give unsolicited advice, shutting down a conversation that makes us uncomfortable, or allowing our judgemental thoughts to take over. We can all afford to turn up the volume on our own imperfection here. When studying human behavior and shame, one of the common reasons we shame others is to shed light on their imperfections in order to take the attention off of our own. It can take us a few bumps and hardships along the way for us to learn the reality that many of the things we shame others for can happen to anyone, as a result of our own decisions or not. How can we do better to meet others when facing dashed expectations or feelings of shame? Unfortunately, as a society, we have not outgrown “Can you believe that?!”, “I would never allow my kid to…”, “What were they thinking?”, or even the internal thoughts of “That would never happen to me” and “How embarrassing.” Part of the hard truth we learn is that very little in life is actually within our control. Things happen we do not expect. The expectations we had for those perfect little babies we had do not all come true. The expectations we had for ourselves don’t always work out. It takes work and courage to step into the vulnerability and emotions involved and the feelings of shame we have to process. This is part of the human experience. So how can we have grace in this not only for ourselves but for others? How can we take what we know about this experience, the difficulty of vulnerability, both felt and imposed shame and leave space for all of us to be human?

Junction Therapy is a meeting place of acceptance, discovery, and hope as you journey. You can connect with Nicole Van Zuidam, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Junction Therapy in Platte at 605-215-1102 or find more information at junctiontherapysd. com. Other local mental health therapists you can reach out to include Danica Zomer, Clinical Social Worker at Midwest Mindset Counseling in Corsica at 605-416-9890; Bethany Eggers, Licensed Professional Counselor at Open Door Counseling in Platte at 605202-2712 and Melanie VanderPol-Bailey, Licensed Clinical Social Worker at Rural Roads Counseling and Consultation in Platte at 605-550-2473.