Last month I shared about the value of adult modeling and the impact of bullying on mental health. How we as adults show up in these moment’s matter, not just for a child’s sense of safety, but for their sense of self. Let’s explore the challenges of bullying and how we can respond with care and correction.

When your child shares with you that they are being mistreated, you may tend to respond like a mama bear when her cub is in danger; charging and loud. This urge feels powerful, and I would encourage you to let that feeling pass, avoid rushing in to fix and just fully listen. Being heard matters. It is also important not to minimize what they are sharing about the event. Both responses can unintentionally make a child feel alone or misunderstood. Jumping in with an emergency response can be impulsive and inappropriate, while phrases like, “just ignore them” does not provide a solution. See them, believe them and validate their feelings. Seek to understand what the moment requires of you. Be patient and pause before jumping to your child’s part in the interaction. We want to help our children discern, but if they feel they are in trouble or immediately being blamed they may shut down and shut out the adults in their life that can help them navigate hard moments.

Sometimes words for experiences are difficult. Gentile refection of how they may feel and normalizing feelings can help a child’s brain integrate the experience instead of storing it as embarrassment or shame. There may be a time where healthy advocacy from the adult is necessary, and it can feel like a tightrope between overstepping and empowering. There are often two sides, and somewhere in the middle is the truth. Exploring with teachers and school staff is a good place to start.

What if my child is being a bully? It extremely difficult for children to be kind when they are feeling dysregulated, and sometimes kids who are hurting will hurt others. Seek to understand what may be going on internally for them. Going back to the basis of maintaining predictable routines, adequate sleep and nutrition, emotional check ins and calm, connected discipline are very important pieces that support regulation. Be present and connected, co-regulate with them and hold them accountable for their behaviors. We all experience consequences for choices and helping them through by following through shows them how important they are to us.

Thinking about kindness is a skill. Help children seek to understand what the other child may be feeling, what might help in the situation, and how to be both firm and respectful. We must teach and model tolerating differences- not everyone thinks the same- and that’s okay. We can disagree without being mean or unkind. This skill builds emotional flexibility, which is a protective factor against both bullying and becoming a bully. We cannot control how others treat our children. We can help our children build a healthy sense of self, emotional literacy, the courage to ask for help.

At Rural Roads Counseling, every road to wellness begins with compassion-supporting rural lives, one healing step at a time. You may reach out to Melanie VanderPol-Bailey, Licensed Clinical Social Worker at Rural Roads Counseling and Consultation in Platte at 605-550-2473; Danica Zomer, Clinical Social Worker at Midwest Mindset Counseling in Corsica at 605-416-9890; Nicole Van Zuidam, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Junction Therapy in Platte at 605-215-1102 and Bethany Eggers, Licensed Professional Counselor at Open Door Counseling in Platte at 605-202-2712.